Learning About Love

I know his class schedule, what bus he rides, and where his locker is.


At age fourteen I live for his smile and waver between hope and fear.

He rescues me. The other kids circle, choose, and pair up. No one likes to be left standing alone. Certain that I am unworthy, wonder of wonders, he chose me. 

He is a few rungs higher on the social ladder yet reaches down for me. Why? I have no idea.

Though fun and exhilarating, I can’t relax. I hope this will last but I’m afraid it won’t. I hope he likes me as much as I like him, but I’m afraid he doesn’t.

There are prettier girls out there. Surely he has eyes. There are smarter, more popular, talented and athletic girls. Why is he with me? Is it just a matter of time before he figures out what I already know?

The longer we stay together, the more it will hurt when he leaves. The unknown is too scary to consider. So with the flawed logic of a child who is much too young to be dating, I decide that it’s safer to hurt myself than to let someone else do it. I walk away, not one, not two, but three times.

I look back now and know that I was fragile and needy and no amount of love and affirmation could fill the hole inside.

We were too young to know what love is.

Letting a child mess around with love is like letting a blind person drive a car. Sure they can drive, but they can’t see where they’re going, there’s sure to be a crash, and someone is likely to get hurt.

There’s no way I could know at fourteen that love is more about giving than taking, more about the inside than the outside, more about doing good than looking good. Love does not need another person to make me feel good about myself or make me complete. It doesn’t run and hide when things get hard.

Thirty-five years later I know that love is day after day, year after year doing dishes when you’re tired, doing laundry when you don’t feel like it, going through childbirth, cleaning up puke, forgiving stupid words or random acts of insensitivity, living in a white house when you wanted tan, letting go of hurts and resentments, biting your tongue, taking vacations to places you don’t want to go, having different opinions, and laying aside personal preferences for the greater good.

Love clips toenails, empties bedpans, helps after surgery, and cares for a loved one with Alzheimer’s.

Love takes out garbage, mows the lawn, bakes bread, makes special desserts, sends cards, comforts, laughs, plays, encourages, tends wounds, juggles schedules, dreams, celebrates, and makes and keeps promises.

Love promises to stay together no matter what, rain or shine, good or bad.

I learned about love from the one who loves me best.

You see, God rescued me. Though I’m unworthy, He reached down and wonder of wonders, He chose me.
He invaded my life, filled the hole, completed me, and took away the fear. He gave me a solid foundation and the emotional wherewithal to build relationships in healthy ways. I quit looking in the wrong places for that which only God can give.

I don’t have to wonder how He loves me. (unconditionally)

I don’t have to wonder how much He loves me. (Completely)

I don’t have to wonder how long He’ll love me. (Forever)

He loves me, and surrounded, filled, and blessed with that amazing love, I am free to love.

Let the smile of your face shine on us, LORD. You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and wine. I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe. (Ps. 4:6b-8)