O For Grace To Trust Him More

One Year Ago Today:

My 100th Blog Post coincides with the one year anniversary of our move to Wisconsin. The weather is beautiful today. If only it could have been this nice last year…

I dreaded moving. I was happy where I was. I liked our house, church, friends, and living by family. It’s one thing to say you’re willing to go wherever God tells you to go. It’s another thing entirely when He takes you up on it.

I was thankful for Keith’s new position and if it hadn’t meant leaving family and friends, it would have been ideal.

Moving involved A LOT of work. We spent three months fixing up our old farmhouse to sell. Our thirteen-year-old To Do list finally got done.

Then sorting and packing. Nine people living in one place for 13 years accumulate a lot of stuff. Sort, Toss, Give Away, Clean, Pack, Paint, Go to Bed Dog-tired, Repeat.

Keith left six weeks before we did. The girls and I stayed behind to finish packing and wait for the house to close.

Thursday - Keith’s return to load the moving truck was one of the lowest times in our marriage. Tempers flared and we said things we’re not proud of.

Black Friday. Snow fell all night. Why God decided a snowstorm on moving day would be good for us, I don’t know.

I saw the bleak weather forecast and the icy, windy snowstorm outside and said, “I’m not going.”

Keith had no time margin for bad weather or wimpy wives. He got mad, saying I had to go, as his installation was on Sunday.

I wasn’t trying to be difficult. I was reconciled to moving. I had said my good-byes. But I’m a weenie and driving eight hours in a blowing snowstorm with four kids, one dog, two cats, and a hamster was more than I could handle. I reasoned that I didn’t need to be there for the installation and promised to come when the weather cleared.

He left Friday morning mad and frustrated.

The weather improved a bit Friday afternoon so I decided to leave. I left our property for the last time and cried my eyes out. We had lots of good memories there and it felt like I left a part of us behind.

I picked up the girls in town and we left Iowa with heavy hearts. I summoned all my Big Girl, Be the Adult, I Can Do This molecules and got three hours down the road to Albert Lea, MN before running out of steam. After sundown, blowing snow caused visibility to deteriorate. It was cold and wet and windy and miserable. I didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to keep going.

Bless Comfort Inn Suites in Albert Lea who for a mere $20 extra allowed pets in our room. We slept good and I prayed for courage to keep going.

Saturday - I left the next morning, dreading the next five hours. The weather was still messy and unpleasant. Our big van is like a sail on windy days. The wind blows the van around and it takes extra effort and concentration.

But then I had a new worry. I had never driven through Minneapolis before. The map was confusing. I tried not to panic and resorted to labor breathing to stay calm. How do people drive that every day?

North of Minneapolis we connected with good friends, Jeff and Lori Poppinga, who were coming up for Keith’s installation. I forgot about being a big girl. I swallowed my pride and asked Jeff to drive. He recognized desperation when he saw it and suggested I ride with Lori in their car.

Oh thank-you Lord. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you. Jeff drove the big van in the icky weather with the four kids, one dog, two cats, and a hamster while Lori drove their car and I melted into the seat and breathed four hundred sighs of relief. Riding with a sympathetic friend was incredibly therapeutic.

We finally arrived in Ashland. A new chapter had begun.

Sunday: Less than 24 hours later, I stood beside Keith during his installation service as the church leaders prayed for us. I was so conflicted. I was happy for Keith but sad for me. These were wonderful people but I wasn’t ready for them. Everything was new and overwhelming. Introverts DO NOT like being up in front of the whole church.

I felt so unworthy. If my behavior the last few days was any indication, I was not mature enough to be a Pastor’s wife.

I liked our new church. I liked it from Day One. What a neat group of people. But I was tied up in emotional knots and could not embrace them with open arms.

I didn’t deserve their kindness. So many new faces, I couldn’t keep track of everyone’s names. Someone suggested we needed name tags so they could remember our names. I thought, “You only have five names to remember. I have a hundred.”

It was God’s mercy that Lori was there with me that first weekend. She was safe and comfortable and familiar and loves me, quirks and all. But Monday morning came all too soon and they had to leave. I cried all over again.

The curse of the cautious is they can’t jump in the pool and start swimming. I poke my little toe in and then my foot, and hopefully soon my calf. When I’m comfortable I’ll go a little farther. There are no guarantees when I’ll go all the way in, and Lord, help me swim when I do.

God, I don’t understand. If moving was a good thing, why was it so hard?

One Year Later –

I like living here. I like my house, church, and friends. I like the area (lots of year round outdoor activities), the weather (easier winters and NO THUNDERSTORMS!), Lake Superior, and clean air. I’m glad we came.

I realize now God wasn’t asking me to give up my old friends. He was asking me to make new ones.

I had been so focused on the hard things, that I overlooked a multitude of good things.

God wanted me to trust Him with moving but I only half did. He knew the move would be hard. Though I still had to do it, He walked beside me, every step of the way.

I am thankful for blessings I couldn’t see a year ago. I’m thankful for a God who knows what’s best for me and cares enough to make me go where I don’t want to go.

I've shared this quote before, but it bears repeating:

The quote in essence says the same thing as: Trust in the Lord with all your hearts and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. --Proverbs 3:5,6--